The Secret Book of Lila - 64 tantra oefeningen

The Secret Book of Lila:

64 Exercises for a Healthy Sex Life

By Ton van der Kroon

The man [sees] the woman as a Goddess

The woman [sees] the man as a God.

By joining the diamond scepter and lotus,

They should make offerings to each other.

There is no worship apart from this.

Candamaharosana-tantra

Introduction

At the end of the month I spent traveling in India I ended up in a little town on the ocean called Mahabalipuram, an old temple city. The moment I stepped out of the bus an Indian boy approached me. “You search lodging? I bring you. To Laksmi-lodge. It’s your place.”

“No thank you,” I replied. “I don’t want it.”

The boy insisted, as is the custom in India. I was used to it after a month of traveling. “No”, I said, “Please leave me alone.” But whatever I did, the boy kept following me. “Laksmi-lodge..” he said. At one point I turned to him and said: “I don’t want to be rude, but I want to be alone!! Please leave me.”

In the end he finally did, but the name of Laksmi-lodge kept echoing in my mind. In some moments you don’t know anymore if they hypnotize you in some way, or that it is your destiny to end up in a certain place. After a stroll to the beach, and trying to be as non-inquisitive as possible, I ended up in.....Laksmi lodge. The moment I came in I had an eerie feeling. I somehow knew the place. After I got a room I read some brochure about the place and discovered it had been a former brothel. I took my dinner upstairs on the verandah and while I was sitting there the place became more and more familiar..... In front of my mind’s eye a whole movie started to play. I remembered the little courtyard, the doors to all the rooms located around the center, and at some point I could see the women walking around waiting for a client or trying to tempt one of them into their little temples...

Lakshmi was a cheap brothel, nothing special and it was run by an old French lady, coming out of the French enclave Pondicherry. The women were her ‘girls’, and she had a way of being chic and stern. She was quite a character and had everything under control. Many fisherman and sailors visited the place. They were coming from Bombay or were traveling to Pondicherry. It was a lively place, with many secrets, gossip and a mixed vibe of erotic and jealous tension.

When I went to my room the film in front of my eyes went on and I ‘remembered’ something surprising, to say the least: I had been one ‘of the girls’. suddenly it became all clear. I had a past-life experience or memory of having lived there as one of the courtesans, or prostitutes, as we were called by the westerners. I couldn’t stop the memory anymore and I could feel my body changing: I knew vividly how it was to be a woman, how to dress up, to walk in a feminine way, how to seduce men, and how to give them pleasures in bed. As a man this was quite a new experience.... Now I am not the macho type, and I have quite a strong feminine character, but this went even two steps further. I could clearly feel how it was to make love to a man being a woman. It was the most extraordinary experience and very insightful to feel the difference between masculine and feminine energy and the difference between a male and female body. It was most enjoyable and revealing.

The next day I woke up early and decided I wanted to see the old temple. I ‘knew’ the route, as I used to walk it every day. The other girls thought I was silly, to go to the temple each morning. They laughed at me and called me names. “Look at her, being so holy. As if she is Laksmi herself. Don’t think you are better then us, Lila. You’re just a prostitute, like all of us.” My true name was Lalita, but everyone called me Lila. The mother, as we called the French madam, didn’t say anything.

I walked my route to the temple and paid my respect to the temple guard and local priest. I gave him a tip so he and others would not bother me. I entered the temple, went around and ended in front of the statue of the sleeping Vishnu. I adored him. I thought he was my husband and everything that happened in my life I discussed with him. Since I was a little girl I had a strong attraction to be a courtesan. The whole idea was so familiar to me. For me it wasn’t ‘dirty or cheap’. It was one of the most holy professions and from deep inside my soul I connected to the old tantric wisdom that had been forgotten long ago. An aunt had told me about it sometime, but most of it had been lost.

I prayed in front of Vishnu and asked for consolation and wisdom. Some time ago a Portuguese man had come and fallen in love with me. He had visited me several times and had proposed to me. He wanted to marry me and take me to his homeland. Now normally I wouldn’t fall in love with clients,  - this was against the rule - but this man triggered something in me and the whole case didn’t leave my mind. What was I to do? He would come in a few days time again, before going back by ship to Mumbay and then to Europe. I searched for clarity and peace of mind. ‘Should I follow him?’ I asked myself. ‘This is absurd. I had told him over and over again that my life and love was dedicated to the Goddess, and I wasn’t in the position to marry him. Period.’ but inside I trembled and felt my soul stir. What if...? Would I love him? How would his homeland be? I put my doubts at the feet of Vishnu, and suddenly I heard the voice of the Goddess in my mind; “Go with him. It is granted. But not with the purpose you or he has in mind. You are to marry him and follow him to Portugal, but your true mission is to bring the knowledge of sexuality to the western countries. You are blessed.” I was stunned. I was about to go on a big adventure, leaving the brothel, and traveling to another world and become a wife of someone. The whole idea filled me with awe and power which one feels when destiny is calling.

Before I returned to Lakshmi lodge I said silently good-bye to all my familiar places: the ancient rock temple behind the temple of Vishnu, the busy marketplace, the boys in their riksja’s and several clients that passed by. My life was about to take a sharp turn, and I didn’t know how it would end. Would they have temples in the West? Would they devote themselves to the Goddess? I wondered.....

 While walking back I slowly returned to my present life, being a normal tourist in Mahabalipuram. I was about to fly the next day from Madras to Mumbay and then back home to Amsterdam. Back to work, which meant finishing my book which I had been writing over the last two years; The title: ‘The mystic rose; relationships and sexuality as a way to God.’ Suddenly some things clicked into place; ‘bringing the knowledge of sexuality to the western countries’ the Goddess had said. It seemed I was still busy with that in this lifetime, and my visit to Laksmi-lodge had been a confirmation of my work.

I ordered a riksja to bring me to the airport and it happened to be the boy who picked me out of the bus when I had arrived. “See,” he said with a broad grin on his face.” You had to go to Laksmi-lodge. It was your destiny.”

‘Tricked again,’ I thought, but then again, he was right. I paid him for the ride and looked at his face, and then it dawned on me. He had been the same in my other lifetime; He had loved me and was always after me but never being able to get me. I had granted him though to bring me away when I left for my Portuguese adventure, and he was very happy and proud.

Back home again, I thought about my adventure in India and the special past-life remembrance in Mahabalipuram. I sat down in front of the computer and suddenly saw myself typing: ‘64 Exercises for a Healthy Sex Life: the Secret Book of Lila.’......

64 exercises for a healthy sex life

This is the introduction to the course for the Mystic Rose, a tantric course for couples. It will constitute of exercises and knowledge about the intensification of sexual pleasure and its healthy and enjoyable aspects. All exercises are to be learned with gentleness, ease and without any stress. Never force yourself nor change your behavior drastically. Make it a smooth transition towards a more erotic life. Abrupt changes will disturb the system and create a backlash.

Most exercises require an intimate bond between partners which is already stabilized. Don’t do these exercises with partners when you are not sure you want to develop the relationship or when you know each other for two years or shorter. They are very powerful and create a strong energetic bond, which will create pain when the relationship is ended afterwards.

The practice of these exercises is your own responsibility.

Author’s note: As you will read the texts you will find some of them are quite imperative: you must do this, you shouldn’t do that etc. I thought of changing the language to one that is more about free choice, but then I realized this is the way the tend to speak in India in this most funny accent: “Sir, you must come with me. You should go there. etc.” So I decided to leave the text as it is. Whenever you read ‘must’ or ‘should’, take it with a little grain of salt and a smile. The universe is one of free choice, so do what you need to do.

 

 

 Copyright © 2003 by Ton van der Kroon, all rights reserved

 

1. Sex: good or bad?

Sexual energy is in itself neither good nor bad. It just is. It is one of the most powerful life-forces inside the human body, to be used, to be neglected or to be abused. Sexual energy can be directed either upward, towards enlightenment and liberation through devotion to the partner and to the divine, or it can be directed downward into lust and possession, through the attraction of the ego and self-centeredness.

 

One who desires Buddhahood

Should practice what is to be practiced.

To renounce the sense objects

Is to torture oneself by asceticism-don't do it!

When you see form, look!

Similarly, listen to sounds,

Inhale scents,

Taste delicious flavors,

Feel textures.

Use the objects of the five senses -

You will quickly attain supreme Buddhahood.

Candamaharosana-tantra

2. The three practices

The use of sexuality contains three parts: knowledge, devotion, and practice. Knowledge is the exercise of the mind, devotion is the exercise of the heart and practice is the exercise of the body and soul. When all three are practiced together in perfect harmony the essence of love can permeate the soul and one attains a state of bliss and eternal youth.

The exercises described in this paper are to unfold all three aspects of the use of sexuality, both mind, heart and body.

3. One or more partners?

One can attain liberation through multiple partners, or through the commitment to one partner only. Both ways have good and bad sides and their temptations and pitfalls.

To have multiple partners means a complete commitment to oneself and the spiritual path. One should not get attached to any partner but have unconditional love towards all. It mirrors the path of the renunciates, monks and nuns who don’t have any sexual contacts. This completely non-committed attitude of detachment is not easy. The danger exists that one commits oneself a little to one partner, then a little to the next, and so on. In this state one will never be able to completely devote oneself to the Self, nor to the Other. This brings a series of unfulfilled relationships and disappointments under the so-called name of freedom. But in essence one is not free; the truth is one cannot choose between two paths; one can neither commit oneself to a partner, nor to the Self. This brings unhappiness and a constant searching for fulfillment. One has to choose one way or the other.

The choice for a partner is not easy either. It asks the right choice of partner, a true commitment through marriage, and the constant devotion to the partner and divine aspect of the relationship. The relationship is not meant to fulfill one’s own desires but to fulfill the duty of divine devotion. Through the accomplishment of this duty one can reach the fruits of liberation, ecstasy and enlightenment. Sexual pleasure is one of the fruits of the work, not one of the requirements of a relationship.

4. Giving and receiving

By being there for others one learns to be present. By giving one learns to receive. By being an instrument for the divine, one becomes the divine itself. By honoring, one becomes honored. By loving, one becomes loved. By giving joy and sexual pleasure, one becomes joyful and full of pleasure. By allowing freedom, one becomes free oneself.

5. Boundaries

A committed relationship is like a vessel. It needs boundaries, care and space inside. Through the development of this inner space, free yet contained, one merges with the soullife of the other person. When the vessel is too narrow, the two partners will be choked. When the vessel is too wide the relationship looses stability. One needs a perfect equilibrium between space and containment.

This is the task of both partners, each one for 100 % responsible for the whole of their relationship. The magic of pure devotion is knowing that everything that happens in the other is happening within oneself. Each aspect of the partner is an aspect of oneself. Through the devotion towards all aspects, good and bad, in oneself and in the partner, one can bring freedom, respect and love into the relationship.

6. The soul

The soul strives for liberation through many incarnations. Each lifetime one sets out to learn and explore a specific aspect of life and love. One attracts certain partners and situations to develop this aspect. It is important to know your life-lesson in this lifetime, so you can devote yourself fully to it. Choices will be made easier and one can rest in the knowing that everything that happens is part of the path of learning.

When liberation is achieved there is no longer any striving or learning; there is just the enjoyment of witnessing life happening in and around you. Searching for happiness has reached an end, since you became happiness itself. The search for the divine is over since you became the divine itself. This state of divine joy is the original and true state of being, covered through the ages by ignorance and forgetfulness. By waking up to the true state of being one remembers One Self, and the small self  -the personality - is dissolved into the greater being.

 

When one has seen the mountain of bliss,

one can't do anything but go back to it, sooner or later.

Oh, Arunachala, Thou hast captured my heart,

shining as a diamond, clear as the night, bright as the sun,

without whose rays there would be utter loneliness and darkness of the soul.

Bring me back to Thee, and let me drink from the fountain of thy youth,

and melt in the bliss of thy existence.

Light is on Thee, in Thee and through Thee.

Be gentle on this mortal soul

and grant me just one glimpse of thy greatness

to be able to say: I bowed and touched the feet of Thee, Eternal,

and my heart will never be the same again.

 

7. Meeting a partner

A partner can help oneself to reach the goal of this lifetime. One can choose a partner that either supports one ‘s destiny or one that conflicts with one’s destiny. It is more beneficial to find someone that supports the destiny, although many times conflict is necessary to bring clarification and true commitment to one’s own life-goal or destiny. Through lifetimes of strive one learns to dance in the end. Don’t detest the conflict, but use it to become more strong and committed. Don’t condemn the other, since the other is only there to help you become more clear and committed. Thank the other not matter what.

To find long-lasting sexual joy it is important that there is a merging of the soul, not only of the body, not only of the mind, not only of the heart. All three are involved to bring freedom and spiritual development. Physical contact only brings short-term pleasure and disillusion afterwards. Only mind-contact results in intellectual liberation but brings with it a sense of criticism, loneliness and abandonment. Only heart-contact results in jealousy, and a loss of groundedness and physical stableness. 

8. Past life connections

Many partners meet each other not for the first time; they have been partners or relatives in previous lifetimes. They could have a connection as parent-child, friends, brother and sister or any other connection. It is important to clarify the previous soul-connections in order to understand and harmonize the present dynamics of the relationship. There may be unfinished business, harm or grief lingering which influences the present situation. This can be sorted out with the help of a seer, a person who can see previous lifetimes, or one can go in trance or deep meditation and ask for insight into the previous life connections. To right previous hurts or imbalances one may do an offering to the Gods, pray or create a ritual in which one asks for forgiveness. Do whatever is necessary to bring balance and peace into the present situation and release the burdens of past life connection. By releasing the past the relation becomes open to focus on the life-goals of both partners.

9. Honor your parents

Many times when puberty-rites are not properly committed, the men and women are still connected to their parents, sexually and emotionally. The  man most of the time is still ‘married’ to his mother; the woman is still married to her father. Make a simple ritual in which you speak out loud you want to divorce and separate from your father or mother. Thank them for being their son or daughter and give them back to their spouse. Honor your parents as your parents. they are not your friends, nor your enemies, They are the gate through which you came into this world. Don’t fight them, nor cling to them. They are neutral in their act of giving life to you. You don’t owe them anything, nor do they owe you anything. Just honor their lives and their intimate connection and know that your soul belongs to God, not to them. Neither do your children belong to you. They also belong to God, and you are the mere doorkeepers to the beginning of their live. Honor their own path, wherever it may lead them.

10. Having sex or making love?

Never make love when you are not in love. Making love is an act of divine intention. Never make love out of duty, out of fear, out of boredom, out of relief, out of routine. Make it like a prayer and prepare yourself before you enter into the temple of love-making. Empty yourself from all other preoccupation’s. Empty your mind of all business or other affairs or other people. Be clean, physically and mentally. Prepare yourself to meet the unknown as if on an adventure. Never be ruled by what you already know. The presence of God will guide you in the exploration of love making. Leave all rules and obligations behind and surrender to the wisdom that is inherent in your body and soul. Trust that you know exactly what to do and how to meet the wishes of your partner. Be completely present for him or for her and honor him as if he/she is the God/ess self.

11. Romantic love and divine love

The difference between romantic love and divine love is that romantic love is based on wanting to have and divine love on wanting to give. Romantic love is focused on the projections of the ego, while divine love focuses on the reality of the other. Romantic love is temporary, conditional and unique, divine love is eternal, unconditional and universal.

Romantic love can be a doorway to divine love, when the ego is dissolved and the love for the other becomes greater then the love for one’s own wishes and projections.

12. The bedroom as a temple

Make your bedroom into a temple. Take away all clutter, unnecessary things, and definitely take away shoes. Shoes don’t belong in a temple, neither do slippers. Walk barefoot in your sleeping-room. Take away paper work, bureaus, photos of family, parents, children, everything that is not connected to sleeping or making love. The exception is a table and mirror for a woman to make herself beautiful, but even this can be better in her own room. Embellish the room as you think fit. Give it the right color, put some beautiful picture on the wall, and bring in curtains, bedclothes and cushions in warm colors and make a little altar to express your love and the inspiration of the Gods and Goddesses that you honor. It is important to make this altar together and refresh it regularly, at least once a week. Put fresh flowers, water and other things that connect you to the Divine presence.

13. Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Clean yourself before making love. Clean your teeth, your face, your hair, wash your genitals, arm-pits, your buttocks and anus, your feet and your nails and hands. Give proper attention to your body and massage the skin for greater awareness and sensitivity. A light oil might be used, but not too strong otherwise it absorbs too much of the sweet smell of the skin which arouses your partner. Make the house clean as well, especially the bedroom. Clean the floor, the sheets and throw away all unnecessary things. Remember; a temple is a place of worship, joy and beauty. Treat your body as a temple and embellish it as you think is fitting. Wear light clothes, and take away things that remember you of daily business, like a wallet, keys, money, paper, agenda etc.

14. From fantasy to reality

Many times we live out our romantic or sexual dreams in fantasy. We have our favorite erotic stories when we make love to ourselves or even when we make love to our partner. Although fantasy isn’t bad in itself, it might keep us locked inside the mind, instead of connecting to our partner. To make your dreams come true, write down your fantasies and then burn them, praying you offer them to the God/Goddess. Surrender to the pleasures of the Divine, instead of the imaginary pleasures of the mind.

15. Fantasies

Fantasies attract what you want. If you want to have a relationship you may fantasize about a partner. If you want to continue a faithful relationship you may fantasize about your own partner. If you start dreaming about other lovers you might attract others partners. Fantasies create an echo in daily life, so you might be careful what you ‘dream’ about. Visualisation - conscious fantasizing - can be a powerful tool to your love life, but it takes a lot of control and responsibility. What you want is not always what you need. You might discover this by experience. To bring most happiness is asking God or the Goddess to bring you what you need. 

16. Be here now

When making love don’t think about the past or the future. Never bring up stories of the past, not your own past, nor the love life with others you had before. Only the present moment counts. Never compare your love life with your present partner with another partner, nor partners that you had before nor partners that you wish you would have in the future. Only the present moment counts. Your present partner embodies everything in a man or woman that is possible. Don’t limit your mind. Make your partner the partner of your dreams. Do not think that there is someone else who is better or more suited for you. If you do, you should not make love to this person and take consequences. Sort out your heart before you make love. Making love will not do this for you. You have to be like a virgin going to the wedding-night. Devote yourself to your partner completely.

 

“There is nothing I can give you, which you have not;

but there is much, very much, that while I cannot give it, you can take.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today. Take heaven...

No peace lies in the future, which is not in this present little instant.

Take peace...

The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within reach is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness, could we but see it - and to see it we only have to look.”   

Giovanni 1518

 

17. Healthy attitude towards sexuality

In sexuality a healthy body and immune system are most important. And vice versa. A healthy body requires a healthy sexuality. This doesn’t mean one needs to have a partner or have regular sex. It means in the first place a healthy attitude towards one’s own body and sexual feelings. Repression brings damage to the system and blocks the life-force.

Unrestrained fulfillment of sexual desire brings damage too and makes the body age quickly. Sexual energy needs to be directed, nurtured and savored as the most precious food. Take it with little quantities but know how to enjoy it purely and intensely, as if it is the food of the divinity itself. Teach yourself to devote the pleasure of sexuality to the divine and to the higher attainment of the soul. Enjoying the pleasure for the sake of pleasure itself brings damage. It directs the energy of sexuality towards the ego, which needs constant confirmation and fulfillment. Enjoy the pleasures to the utmost, but bring them in alignment with the divine principle in yourself. Direct your gaze up, not down, and your pleasures will multiply.

18. Prolonging desire

Desire brings one to the divine state of ecstasy. Don’t repress desire, nor fulfill it greedily. Prolong the state of desire, as if one is in love but can’t reach fulfillment yet. Never forcefully fulfill desire, because this is bringing harm to the physical and emotional system. Cherish the desire and make it into a prayer of devotion and longing. The more the longing, the higher the state of ecstasy. This requires a state of surrender, not knowing if the desire will be fulfilled or not. This longing yet not knowing if the beloved will fulfill the deepest wishes destroys the ego and brings liberation of the mind.

Not knowing what the outcome will be makes one surrender to the divine; only God can grant you your wishes. Pray to him /her to give you all you need and want, and leave the content and fulfillment to the Divine. Never expect a certain outcome, because this creates disillusion. Be prepared to be surprised.

19. Immune system

Since sexuality involves the exchange of bodily fluids containing strange and different bacteria, a good immune system is required. The following tips will help you make your immune system strong and healthy.

Have a healthy diet. Eat enough vegetables, fruits and lots of water. Eat no meat, nor drink coffee, caffeine or use drugs. Coffee and cigarettes make the body look old and grey. Meat creates a different energy of the cells, through which the body looses its natural beauty and becomes ‘meat-like’. People who eat meat a lot start to look like pigs; their skin and bodily posture change and they become more fat. A slender body is natural and is not difficult to attain. Refrain from sugar, because this creates too much fire/aggression in the body. Eat instead lots of honey. This is like oil to the body.

A strong boost to your immune system is the following: Save some of your morning urine for three days in a glass bottle. Then apply it to the body. Massage the whole body with the urine, until it mixes with the skin-oil and becomes a soap-like, almost whitish, fluid. Leave it on the skin for one hour, so it absorbs the urine. Then you can wash yourself. When the urine is on the body the smell of it changes. When absorbed by the body it gives a very quick and strong impulse to the whole immune system and to the organs. The skin will look younger and becomes more vibrant and soft.

20. The three roots of life

Cut three onions, three pieces of garlic and three spoons of ginger in little pieces. Ginger, garlic and onion are called ‘the three roots of life’. Heat a large quantity of oil in a big pan and when the oil is hot throw the onion, garlic and ginger in. Let it simmer, till the roots have absorbed all the oil. At some point the roots excrete the oil again, taking with it all the nutrition and valuable ingredients of the three roots. Then you can use this as a base for any meal. You can put in vegetables like carrots, cabbage, cauliflower, potatoes or you can add cooked lentils, beans, curry etc. This food is a strong help for potency and healthy semen.

21. Physical exercise

Regular physical exercise keeps the body in good shape. It takes care of blood-circulation, removes fat and keeps the body alive. The exercise can be dancing, walking, climbing, sports or yoga. Take enough water afterwards to release residue from the body. Never force the body. Only from deep relaxation the body will open up and become more free. In the west there is a tendency to strain the body to the maximum to get more result. This is actually harming to the body. Strength and flexibility come from giving in to the demands of the body. The body will show its boundaries and by respecting those one can slowly surpass them. Real power comes from surrendering to the laws of nature, not by forcing nature by the human will. Always honor the body as the inner teacher, whichever sport you perform. As soon as you put your mind or an outside authority in charge of you own body you will do damage to your system.

A good oil massage after the exercise will relax the skin and the nervous system.

22. Devotion to the Goddess

Bring regular devotion to the image of the Goddess. Invite her into your sexual play or imagination. See her as a white Goddess of light, bringing you the ultimate joy of sexuality. Surrender to her teachings and to the pleasures she is willing to give you. Make intimate contact with her and let her be part of your sexual adventures and explorations. Honor her and be grateful for her presence in you. Let her lead you into more enjoyable, healthy and everlasting pleasures.

You can also make an altar for her presence, putting candles, posters, photos of erotic women, images of Goddesses or tantric practices, stones on the altar. Flowers and water are especially appreciated by the Goddess of love and sexuality.

 

The Shaktisangama Tantra says:

“Woman is the creator of the universe, the universe is her form; woman is the foundation of the world, she is the true form of the body. Whatever form she takes, whether the form of a man or a woman, is the superior form. In woman is the form of all things, of all that lives and moves in the world. There is no jewel rarer than woman, no condition superior to that of woman. There is not, nor has been, nor will be any destiny to equal that of woman; there is no kingdom, no wealth, to be compared with a woman; there is not, nor has been, nor will be any holy place like unto a woman. There is no prayer to equal a woman. There is not, nor has been, nor will be any yoga to compare with a woman, no mystical formula nor asceticism to match a woman. There are not, nor have been, nor will be, any riches more valuable than woman.”

23. Earth ritual

Make yourself naked and bring mud all over your body, massaging it in. Then let it dry. Feel your muscles, your buttocks and sexual organs absorb the earth energy. Become like the earth. create a warm and nurturing atmosphere, with candles and water.

Make yourself sexual and feel the skin become like fertile ground, as if ready to grow crops and vegetables. If you can be outside let the sun shine on your skin, till all the mud is dried out. End with lying on the ground, while being embraced by mother earth. In the house you can lie down on a blanket. Put on some nice music and take a rest. Finally wash away the mud and let yourself be reborn. Observe yourself in the mirror afterwards and praise your body.

24. Air ritual

Breath is life. When you are breathing each other’s air you breath in the life of someone else. This exercise is to melt deeper and bring more intimacy in your relationship. Sit on cushions on the floor opposite each other. Take some time to connect to yourself and your own body. Then start to breath consciously. Do not force your breath but breathe in as deep and slow as you can, while looking each other in the eyes. Keep on doing this during five minutes. Then close your eyes.

25. Water ritual

Take a bath together. Make a warm bath, put candles all around, and put some nice soap in it. Start washing each other, starting with the feet. Close your eyes and feel each other’s presence and energy through the water. Water is a perfect medium to connect to each other’s soul-energy. You can also embrace each other, as close as possible and align the rhythm of your breaths. When you exit the bath you can dry each other.

26. Fire ritual

Make a fire in the form of a candle, a hearth or an open fire in nature. Bring fruits, sweets, nuts and flowers. Dress up beautifully After you’ve lit the fire you may undress and sit naked in front of the fire, feeling the warmth on your skin. Then you start to make an offering to the fire, also called ‘the mouth of God’. You may say a prayer, asking for what you wish in life or what you would like to let go of. Then offer your sweets or fruit to the fire, stretch out your hands, and take some of the hot air or upper flames towards you, as if washing your face. Then sit still in silence for some time. Make your own variations.

27. Aphrodisiacs

A little alcohol (one or two glasses) may loosen the senses, as well as smoking some soft drugs like marihuana. This will greatly heighten the awareness of the body and the sexual pleasure. Taken in big amounts it is unhealthy for the body and the mind. It will block the blood circulation to the penis and bring the awareness down. Taken in small quantities it is like an aphrodisiac and beneficial to the system.

Other aphrodisiacs: hot ginger tea. This heightens the awareness and brings clarity to the mind. Ginger is also one of the roots that grant immortality and youthfulness.

Pineapple drink. This has a good effect on the erection of a man and on his semen.

Lassi or yogurt-drink with mango; it brings a sweet taste and helps to produce saliva. Everything that helps to produce saliva is healthy. Saliva is the equivalent of the wetness of a woman’s vulva.

28. Washing the feet

One of the ways to prepare yourself and to honor the other is to wash each others’ feet. Take a long time and do it with all attention. Take them one by one into your hands, look at the feet and massage them softly. then you put them into the water and keep on massaging. The water should be lukewarm. Then dry the foot of your beloved and you might give a kiss to the foot. Don’t start to the erotic play yet, since this is only the preparation. The longer you can build the erotic tension, the more enjoyable it will be for your partner.

29. Foreplay

Foreplay starts with the opening of the body, mind, heart and soul towards the Beloved. This can start hours, days or even weeks before the actual act of love-making. It is a state of being aware of the other person and inviting them into the house of your soul. The other person will respond by showing signs of attraction and caring and intimacy. This is the ‘Dance of the Lilies’. Neither partner should move too fast, nor refrain or despair, but stay grounded and loving in their attention towards the other person to give him or her the time to open their soul towards you. To move too quickly towards sexual contact will bypass the erotic interplay and the bonding of the energies of the soul. To move too slowly will diminish the erotic depth of the meeting. Show signs of care and attraction. Give words of love and encouragement. Do not intellectualize. Nor talk about trivial things. Find the words that suit and comfort the other and bring your attention to her or his being.

Use play and humor to help her or him open up to the play of sexual intimacy. Enjoy eating, drinking, being in nature, walking on the beach, listening to music and enjoying each other’s company as parts of the foreplay. Use water (the sea, the river), fire (candles, open fire), air, (walking outside, looking at the sky) earth (nature, sitting on the ground) to align the body to the elements of nature. Avoid an excess of one of these elements. Too much drinking, like alcohol, makes one absent and blinds the senses. Too much food makes the body heavy and dulls the senses. Too much people around creates a distraction. Everything should be focused on the coming love-play and requires a sense of dedication and careful planning, without being rigid.

30. Eating and making love

Never have a full meal before making love. It brings all the blood to the stomach and this prevents the blood from going to the erection or vulva. This causes many health problems. A light meal may be taken, containing vegetables and rice. It is better to have two or more hours between eating and making love, so most of the digestion has already taken place.

31. Whole body massage

One way of giving each pleasure is giving a whole body massage. Whole body refers not only to the one being massaged, by especially to the one who is giving the massage. Make sure the temperature in the room is comfortably warm. Both partners are undressed. If this is a surprise-gift, you can keep a towel on and take it off later while you are giving the massage. While you partner is lying on his/her belly on the bed or on cushions on the floor, start with massaging with your hands. Use some light massage-oil or olive-oil. The massage is better when the two of you get slippery. Then start to use other parts of your body to give the massage; use your feet, which are very erotic, your knees, your legs, your arms, your head and hair, to touch all the parts of the body of your partner. In the end you can use your breasts, your buttocks, your penis and balls, You can sit on your partner, on the legs, the buttocks, the back or the head and move your hips in circles. With your knees you can squeeze the body or the head of your partner. If you are heavy weighted you have to lift yourself with your hands or knees.

Then it is time to turn around, so your partner is lying on his or her back. Start the same way; first gently rub the massage onto the skin, then you can start with the feet and the legs. A woman can massage her partner with her breasts all over, starting with his feet and ending with his head, which will be very erotic for him. She can massage his penis between her breasts. But also her feet, legs, arms and buttocks will do the trick. She can sit on his hips with her back towards him and slowly move her buttocks towards his face, while making circles on his chest. She can end with pushing her buttocks and her vulva on his face, or squeezing his face between her legs.

A man can use his penis and balls to do the massage, slapping or rubbing against her skin. But also his upper-legs, upper-arms, hips and buttocks are a nice feeling to his partner. To make this massage even more exciting, one can blindfold the partner.

32. Striptease

One of the ways to stimulate the erotic impulse is through the eyes, especially for men. When they see the round forms of buttocks, breasts, or legs there is an immediate response. But also women have the same visual impulse when seeing the muscles, buttocks or crotches of men.

To fully enjoy the visual play of eroticism you can do a striptease for your partner. The art in doing the striptease is to be selfish and fully enjoy the movements of your own body. The more you find lust in revealing your nakedness and exploring your own sensuality, the more your partner will enjoy the ’show’. Stand in front of him or her and slowly undress. The partner who is watching doesn’t only have a passive role. Visualize the Goddess herself or the God himself undressing, tempting you and coming towards you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While giving her or him loving attention you help to reveal more of your partner’s inner beauty.

33. Intimate touch

The striptease can be followed by more intimate touch. A woman can crawl as a tiger towards her man and take his penis in front of his eyes and start to lick it, before taking it into her mouth and sucking him, while watching his face.

She can also straddle his face as if riding a horse and push her pussy onto his lips, tongue and nose. Do it slowly, so he can watch you coming down on him and tease him with your vulva. You are the one in control. All this time; reach for the greatest pleasure, while being aware of both your own and your partners feelings and sensations.

A man can take his cock and start to caress her body with it, showing his erection. He can move up to her face and play with his cock in front of her face, slapping it against her cheeks or chin, to finally push it into her mouth. See how far you can play with being the one in control while respecting your partner’s boundaries.

A man can also crawl as a tiger over his partner and start licking her whole body, starting with her feet, slowly making rounds towards her pussy.

Now again, all of this can go two ways: it can bring greater pleasure and liberation, or it may bring disgust or fear. The difference between the two is the complete devotion to the pleasure of the other person. This doesn’t mean you need to take care all the time, because even in being selfish you can let the other person feel you love him or her. It is the inner attitude of devotion that makes the difference. Ask for inner guidance and perform the act in a state of reverence and respect.

34. The Fountain, an exercise for the man

Sit upright, meditate on the heart. Bring the focus of attention to the heart and bring the heart in a state of devotion. This can be the devotion for a partner, for music, nature or God etc. Anything that brings feelings of love and beauty to the mind’s eye. Then start to stimulate the body by touching the nipples or the testicles. Massage them and rub them till you have an erection. Then stimulate the top of the penis, the gland, as if a woman is sucking it. You can think of a woman’s body, her breasts and vulva and her beauty. Then focus on her vulva and think as if you are drinking form her nectar while reaching a climax at the same time. Let the energy of the orgasm reach the mind and the top of the head. Enjoy the feelings of sexual bliss and rest afterwards. Take enough water, fresh lemon, pineapple to restore the semen.

35. Keeping the treasure

For a man it is not healthy to ejaculate too often. The semen contains valuable proteins and other valid nutrients for the body, including hormones. Losing semen too often brings the creative and masculine energy down and creates sexual and concentration disorders. Now holding the semen should not be done out of fear or suppression, but out of a state of spontaneity and loving discipline. Coming once a week is maximum. This doesn’t imply not to be sexual, on the contrary. A man who can hold his semen will greatly enhance his sexuality and sensual joy. Be sexual as much as you can be, but without creating a ejaculation. Bring the energy of sexual joy into the heart and the mind, where it can expand into wisdom and everlasting joy and spiritual wealth.

36. Sucking

When a woman sucks the cock of her partner she gives all her love and devotion to his masculinity. While surrendering to her pleasure of sucking she may give all of her attention and love to him. It is one of the deepest ways of bowing to a man. Taking his seed into your mouth, or receiving it on your face or breasts is one of the most erotic sights for a man. It strengthens his trust, his presence and his masculinity.

Honoring a man is called ‘playing the flute’ or ‘facing the bull’. There are three stages: looking, touching and licking, and in these there are many variations. Each woman has her own technique and favorites. Looking with longing makes the man proud and trustful of his masculinity. His erection symbolizes the universal lingam of Shiva, the creative principle of the cosmos. Sitting on her knees in front of him is like worship and underlines her submission and service to him. On the other hand, she has total control over him.

She can take his balls in her hands and weigh them, or very gently squeeze them or pull them back. She can caress his penis up and down and play with it between her hands. Finally she can give little kisses on the shaft and on the top of the penis. She can put her lips on the top, look him in the eye and take his whole penis inside her mouth. She can play with her tongue around his gland, or make a ring of her lips and take his penis in and out. The rim of the gland is the most sensitive part of the penis. The skin is very thin and there are many nerves at the top of the penis. She can play with her tongue on the top of his gland, or bite lightly in the shaft.

Hard sucking so he will ejaculate in your mouth is called ‘riding the bull’. Gently sucking as a kind of foreplay is called ‘playing with the bull’. To have semen on the skin and let it dry makes the skin look young and healthy. She can also take his balls into her mouth and suck them and play with them with her tongue. Never press the balls.

37. Sweet semen

To make the semen more tasty and sweet, don’t drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or eat meat. Cigarettes make the semen weak and make it taste like smoke. Sugar makes the semen bitter. Too much salt makes the semen salty. Pineapple, honey, lemon, and yogurt make the semen more tasty and sweet.

38. Cool semen

To have healthy and fertile semen don’t wear trousers or shorts that bring the testicles too close to the body. The semen needs to be cooler then the temperature of the body.

You can put your thumb and index finger as a ring around the testicles and lightly pull them away. This gives a nice sensation and can be done by the partner as well. The testicles are sensitive but pulling them out is not unpleasant.

39. Massaging the anus

It is very healthy to give a massage to the anus. You have to cut your nails before doing this. Use one finger and some very light oil to massage the anus. Make first circles around the anus so the muscles of the anus can relax. Then slowly enter, while making sure that you don’t go too fast. There are many nerves in the ring-muscles of the anus. Explore the inside of the anus while making round movements. Don’t go deeper then one finger, and don’t use more then two fingers. 

The person undergoing the treatment should lie relaxed and breath into the buttocks to release everything that comes up. One can also do a letting-go ritual, since the anus is connected to holding on and letting go. Let go of the past, let go of pain, let go of worries, let go of fear. Feel how it is that someone touches you from the inside.

40. The penis

The thickness of the penis and the rim of the gland of the penis give joy to the vulva of a woman each time it enters and retreats.

To make the penis more thick and the rim more full there needs to be a regular blood circulation into the penis. Have an erection as much as possible without having an orgasm to bring blood to the penis.

Rub the shaft of the penis between your hands as if you are rolling dough for bread. Do this 36 times.

To make the rim more thick put it in lukewarm water for three minutes each day and keep the foreskin back as much as possible.

41. The second mouth

With the muscles of the vagina the woman can give pleasure to her partner, by contracting and releasing them when the penis of her partner is inside. This creates a sucking movement, just as the sucking of the mouth.

To practice this movement you draw the muscles of your perineum, the spot between anus and vulva inside and up, as if holding the urine. Practice this as many times as you can. This movement helps also to channel the sexual energy to move upwards to the heart and the brain during an orgasm.

42. Premature ejaculation

When the man is about to ejaculate he should give a sign to his partner to stop stimulating him so he can refrain form coming and prolong the sexual play.

When the man is coming too quickly he needs to learn how to relax. The woman can massage him without stimulating his sexuality. By letting go of his tensions in his mind he will find a way to prolong ejaculation.

43. Cock ring

A cock ring, a metal or leather strap around the testicles and the base of the penis, helps to keep the erection of a man and gives greater pleasure.

44. Honoring the Lotus

The Lotus is the name of the vulva, the female genitals. A man can honor the Lotus of a woman by sitting in front of her, while she is laying on her back. He can do this in three ways; by looking, by touching and by licking.

The look of a man can beautify the Lotus. If he can honor her with a loving look her vulva will become thick and juicy as the bud of a flower. This is called the growing of the bud. For a man the look of the vulva brings him in contact with the origin of life. To bow in front of the Lotus is to honor the mystery of life.

After looking one can slowly touch the Lotus. First around the flower, over the Venus-mount, the inner thighs and the perineum, the spot between the vulva and the anus. Then one can touch the outer lips and caress or pull lightly the pubic hair. With one finger the man can touch the clitoris of the woman, the sacred bud of pleasure, first light and slowly more firm. The woman can lead him in this and tell him what she likes since this is quite delicate.

By putting his finger into her vulva he can explore her wetness and feel the inner lips and the inside of the Lotus. He may taste some of her honey by smelling or licking his fingers. This is called the ‘Opening of the bud’.

Last of all he may kiss her vulva, starting with little kisses on and around her lips pubic bone, and inner thigh. He may take her outer lips into his mouth and gently suck them. Then he can lick her clitoris with the tip of his tongue, or take long streaks with his tongue through her vulva or dive his tongue deep inside her. This is called ‘Kissing the Flower’. To make the experience more intense the woman can touch her nipples, or she can grab the hair of the man and push him closer into her vulva. While the man should contain his orgasms, she can come as much as she wants. Coming into his face gives him a great sensation of Shakti, the female-energy. The subtle energies that are released form the vulva while coming are very beneficial for his mental, physical and spiritual health. It brings him in direct contact with the waters of the feminine and quenches his thirst for it.

This is called ‘Drinking of the Nectar.’

 

Along with GPO, he experienced bliss.

By uniting the diamond scepter and lotus,

He attained the fruit of bliss.

Buddhahood is obtained from bliss, and

Apart from women there will not be bliss

 

 

45. Surrender

For the spiritual development of a man it is important that he learns to surrender to the feminine aspect, the Shakti. He has to bow to her feet and willingly surrender his male power, to be reborn and find a new strength in communion with the feminine. There are some exercises that represents this and help the man to surrender. This demands a great precision and integrity of the woman who is in charge in this exercise. She has to help him to surrender in love and integrate her feminine aspect in himself, and not to take the honor personally, which would only flatter her ego and diminish his power.

The woman has to undress her partner or tell him to undress. He is not allowed to do or say anything. She gives the orders and he has to follow her blindly. She then binds the man by hands and feet, and blindfolds him. She can tie him to the bed or to the wall. She can then start to give him his ‘punishment’ and tell him so. He needs to be punished and humiliated, but instead of doing this she gives him pleasure. She can tickle him, slap him on his body or in his face, and tell him how worthless he is. She can use a whip or her slip to slap him. Do not slap the genitals or the balls. When he begs to stop, you may order him to lick you or do other things that give you pleasure. She may ask him to lick her ass, which is a sign of subordination, but gives pleasure at the same time. Be careful for physical pain, since this is not the purpose of the exercise. The purpose is to teach a man that there is pleasure in surrender, while he fears defeat and pain. So you can scare him, but not hurt him.

The end of the exercise is important and needs to be done properly. Untie your partner and sit opposite each other in silent meditation for 10 minutes or more. Then you may open your eyes, and bow to each other, consciously leaving the roles of suppresser and victim. When this final act is not done, the taken roles might linger on in daily life and become actual reality and do harm to the relationship. It is a ritual in which both partners take on archetypal roles to bring enlightenment and inner freedom, not slavery or merely feelings of lust. Ask for spiritual guidance when performing this ritual before you start.

The whole ritual can be done in reversed position, with the woman as victim and the man as oppressor. This is even harder for the man to perform, since it is his natural tendency to be the boss and see his partner as sexually submissive to him. Instead he has to see his partner’s greatness while playing to punish her for ‘her sins’ and demanding to be served well sexually. It may bring up emotional reactions for the woman but when she has consented to the ritual, she is not to stop while it is being performed. Instead she has to relive the emotions and go through them. Again, this takes a firm but complete integrity and precision of the man. He has to honor her emotional reactions while not giving in to her pleas. No physical pain is to be done; it is only the threat of humiliation and punishment that may scare her and make her vulnerable. For the woman the lesson is to understand that when she surrenders to the masculine, represented by her partner, she will in the end experience bliss and pleasure. Fear of being hurt, being overpowered or loosing her freedom might take her away from this experience.

The man may say she is a slut, that she is worthless and only needs his sex, and he may tickle her with a feather, lightly slap her face with his hand or with his penis. Do not slap the genitals nor the breasts. The man may order her to suck him but he is not supposed to ejaculate. He has to stay focused on his partner, and not on his own orgasm. This would ruin the purpose of the exercise since an orgasm changes the man’s concentration. For a woman this is different. She is allowed to come as many times she wants while being the prosecutor.  

Again, the ritual should be ended with a ten minute meditation, a conscious letting go of both roles and both partners bowing to each other in respect and thankfulness and for the given experience. Remember for both parties; whatever is being done says nothing about the other but is only to be used as a reflection for your own reactions and behavior in the given situation.

Reversing roles should not be done during the same evening or even week. Take time in between to reflect.

46. Hitting the buttocks

The buttocks contain many nerves and a good hitting is very healthy and can be done in a nice way by playfully punishing your partner. This can be part of the surrender ritual. Hit with the flat hand, not too light nor too hard. The skin may become red which is a good sign of blood-circulation.

47. Biting

You may enjoy biting or being bitten by your partner. Favorite places are bites in the neck, the arms, the buttocks and the legs. Never bite in the face, the breasts, the stomach or the genitals. Some people may enjoy biting the lips or the nipples. A slight pain may cause sensations of pleasure and sexual arousal.

48. Churning the milk

Although entering the yoni is the ultimate part of lovemaking, take all your time to get there. It should be part of a long meeting of enjoying, touching, playing, talking and kissing.

For the man to enter the vulva of a woman there are many variations. You can move in and out for just a little bit, which is called ‘touching the surface’. You can also go into the vulva with the whole length of the penis, which is called ‘diving deep’. You can vary these and see what brings the most pleasure. To make a start you may try to touch the surface five times, and then diving deep for two times, and repeat this. . You can enter slowly, turning this way and that, making circles with your hips, which is called ‘churning the milk’.

The woman can put her legs into the air or to her shoulders, so her vulva becomes completely open. This is called ‘Splitting the bamboo’.

 

Constantly take refuge at my feet, my dear...

Be gracious, beloved, and

Give me pleasure with your diamond scepter.

Look at my three-petalled lotus,

Its center adorned with a stamen.

It is a Buddha paradise, adorned with a red Buddha,

A cosmic mother who bestows

Bliss and tranquillity on the passionate.

Abandon all conceptual thought and

Unite with my reclining form;

Place my feet upon your shoulders and look me up and down.

Make the fully awakened scepter

Enter the opening in the center of the lotus.

Move a hundred, thousand, hundred thousand times

In my three-petalled lotus Of swollen flesh.

Placing one's scepter there, offer pleasure to her mind.

Wind, inner wind-my lotus is the unexcelled!

Aroused by the tip of the diamond scepter,

It is red like a bandhuka flower.

Candamaharosana-tantra

49. Spoons in a box

A most relaxing exercise is when the man enters the woman from behind while they are both lying on their side. For the woman this is a way of cuddling herself and enjoying the presence of a masculine energy behind her, which nourishes her. The man can stroke her hair, her back or her arms, or put his arms and hands holding her heart. A woman can even put a thumb in her mouth and take on the position of a fetus in the womb.

50. Divine communion

Divine communion is the exercise of aligning the bodies of both partners in a vertical position. The man sits on the ground in lotus -posture or on a chair, and the woman sits on his lap, putting her legs around his wrist. All chakras of the body are touching each other which makes the perfect situation. It is a posture that can be done at the end of lovemaking. Align your movements and breathing into the same rhythm. When you both move towards orgasm make sure you look each other in the eyes. While coming keep looking at each other and kiss each other as if you breathe into each other. In this way all sexual energy is preserved and will circulate through both bodies, touching all the chakras.

When having the orgasm think of the divine feminine and the divine masculine copulating and merging with your own. In this way you create a channel of love between heaven and earth, which has powerful effects to the people involved but also to the world around, since everything is connected.

51. Afterplay

Feed each other sweets, honey, tea and fruit after love-making. Stay in the vibe of love. It is best to make love not at the end of the day, when you are tired. Be fresh and awake. Because there are sleep hormones released in a man’s brain he will have the tendency to fall asleep. This is not a problem. Take a little nap and wake up again to share time with your partner. She can gently wake him up after five or ten minutes. Keep the sweat and love-juices on your body. Don’t wash them away immediately to prolong the intimacy. Be thankful for sharing this divine gift and show each other your thanks. Respect your differences and your individuality. Remember that the other person is not your property and is only a doorway to your own divinity. By thanking each other you confirm the individuality of both partners and create space again. The space is needed for further growth and development. When two trees grow too close to each other they stand in each others shadow.

 

52. Unfulfilled desires

When you are unfulfilled, don’t go shopping. A new lover will never fill up your unfulfilled desire. It might seem so in the beginning, but in the end you will be faced with the same problem as before. Turn instead inside; turn to God or the Goddess. Give him/her your problem and ask for a solution. Praying is a powerful tool to become more fulfilled, even if things look impossible. Through insight, wisdom and devotion you can find the underlying pattern or reasons why things are happening the way they happen.

To become more sexually fulfilled, invite God into your lovemaking. This may seem like a unhonorable advice, but there is nothing more intimate than sharing God in your most private moments. For God this is not strange, since he invented lovemaking. It is part of the sacredness of life, and to put it into a separate box we have desecrated lovemaking. We’ve disconnected God or the divine from the most beautiful, intimate and sacred part of our life. It is time to invite her back in again.

53. Breaking the spell; letting go of parents’ expectations

Sometimes parents leave a strong imprint of their own unfulfilled expectations unto their children. They hope that their offspring will find the solution to their problem. Often the father projects his ambitions in life unto their sons, as the mother tries to project her wishes in life unto her daughter. The mother might secretly want her child to have several lovers. Or the father might want her daughter to have a career and never stay with her husband. His own search for freedom is projected unto the daughter. Instead of giving them freedom and a healthy trust they give them a fixed idea which works like a spell. The child can’t undo the spell without breaking the expectations and love of their parents, so it will become trapped; it will have either the love of their parents or it will have to break the spell.

Here is a ritual to break the spell.

Write down all the wishes your father and mother had in life which were not completely fulfilled. These might be sexual wishes, emotional wishes, financial wishes, spiritual wishes or social wishes. It might even be small or concrete things, like wanting to have a garden or a washing machine.

Read this list out loud to your partner. After each wish the partner says the following sentence: “I will give you everything you want. There is nothing I will withhold from you. I wish you to become totally fulfilled.”

Now you burn the list and say the following sentences: ”I’m willing to let go of the wishes of my parents. I honor their lives and what they have created; I honor both their happiness as well as their pain. I’m not responsible any more to fulfill their desires. I allow myself to live my own life.

To your partner you say: “I honor you as my partner and realize that you give me everything I need. All my wishes and desires, spoken or unspoken, I put at your feet, knowing that you will fulfill everything.

Bow to each other and thank each other.

54. Finding a partner

A woman will want a man who can provide and protect; sexually, financially, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Providing and protecting are the two basic male qualities. Consciously and unconsciously she will look for the right partner that will fit her desires and needs.

Sexually she will look at the size, length and width of his penis to provide her pleasure, fitting to the size of her own vulva. Will be he able to give her pleasures and will he be able to provide for children? This is also measured in the amount of sperm he produces. The smell, the look, his hair, his length and his muscles will be part of her physical attraction to him.

Financially she will look for a partner who will be able to sustain a household. This ability is reflected in his clothes, his financial behavior, his income, and his car.

On the emotional level she will look for a man who can provide emotional stability. If she is very emotional she will look for a partner who will be able to contain her emotions. If the intellectual or spiritual aspect is important in her life, she will look for a partner who will fit her on those levels.

A man will want a woman who can receive and contain: sexually, financially, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. Receiving and containing are the two basic feminine qualities. Consciously or unconsciously a man will scan for the right partner who can provide for his needs and wants.

Sexually he will look for a woman who fits his penis, gives him pleasure and the possibility of children. Her sexual attraction is accentuated by her lips, her make-up, her bare skin, and the roundness and proportions of her belly, breasts, buttocks, legs and arms. Financially he will look for a woman who will fit his ability to provide for her. Emotionally he will look for a woman who can receive and contain his emotions, his weaknesses and his strengths. When he has a strong focus on the intellectual and spiritual aspects of life, he will look for a woman that fits his desires on these levels.

Some of the above-mentioned aspects may be more or less conscious. Some people may have a strong focus on sexual attraction, others may focus on emotional attraction, or spiritual attraction. But unconsciously the other aspects are still working. All the above mentioned aspects together play a role in the attraction and meeting of partners. Yet, there is one aspect that is underlying all the others; it is the soul-aspect. There are contracts of the soul that need to be fulfilled. In the exercise about the soul-contract you can learn more about this aspect of the meeting of two lovers.

To find your ‘perfect lover’ and get a clear and full scope of attraction there is the following exercise.

Make a wish list of how you would like your partner to be. Specify between sexual, financial, emotional, intellectual and spiritual wishes. Make the list as complete and detailed as possible. Create a complete image of your perfect lover Then do a meditation to meet your partner. See him or her approaching you. Start a conversation with him or her and ask your partner-to-be how you can serve him or her. What can you do to meet each other? Is there anything you need to let go of? Get acquainted with the energy of the other person on a soul-level. This will prepare yourself for the real meeting in person.

After the meditation you burn the list. You can say the prayer: “I am willing to meet my soul-partner. I’m open to receive the love and friendship of another person in my life. I honor my personal wishes and desires but I’m ready to let go of them. I trust that the right person will come to me. I give my love life in God’s hands and know that He will perfectly take care of me.”

Warning: This exercise is only to be done for people who don’t have a partner yet. If you are doing this exercise while being in a relationship you create disharmony; You start to attract another person into your life. Better look at the reason why you are not content with the partner you presently have. This is a law of right attention. Never look for greener grass on the other side: first take care of your own garden. Love is not considered to be a commodity you can exchange or order at your command. It is given as a present and should be gracefully received as such.

55. Soul contract

Each soul chooses another soul to help each other fulfill these contracts and to learn and develop oneself in life. It is important to know which contract one has made with another soul, so the relationship becomes more clear and focused. These contracts may be on the sexual level, the emotional level or any other.

To find out what your soul contract is you can do the following exercise:

Start a meditation. Visualize your partner and visualize your relationship-angel; the guide who is there to help you fulfill your contract and protects your relationship.

See yourself and your partner approaching the guide and kneel in front of her/him.

Ask the guide what the two of you have to learn form each other; what the purpose of your meeting and relationship is. The answer can be received in the form of an image, a sentence, a feeling or an intuitive knowing.

Thank the guide for the help and guidance and place your heart symbolically in her or his hands. Then bow to your partner. You can say the following prayer:

“I am willing to surrender to the higher purpose of our meeting. I bow to your soul and know that I am here to help you. I am willing to do everything that is needed to help you find your destiny and to fulfill our soul-contract. I will do this with joy and gratefulness. I know you are doing the same to me, even if I don’t understand this sometimes. I trust you bring the highest good in me to the surface and challenge me to fulfill my destiny. So be it.”

 

56. The secret journey

A man can take his partner on a secret journey. It is an archetypal gesture, which helps the woman to surrender to the masculine. She has to follow him on his path. This is normally done during the honeymoon, but also later in the relationship it can be a very valuable tool to strengthen the love between partners. The man prepares everything; the destination, the luggage, the journey, the finances and if needed, a solution for the children. Special care needs to be taken for comfort. It is not a survival-journey nor is it to satisfy the special interest of one of the two partners. The destination may be neutral, but comfortable and sunny. The man organizes this in secret and makes sure his partner doesn’t have important meetings during the designated time. The journey can last three days or more. It is a gift from him to her and assures her trust that he is able to care for her.

57. Touch of the divine: opening the seven chakras

Make yourself comfortable, sit or lay down so you can completely relax the body. Every inner development comes from deep relaxation. When the body relaxes the soul can do its work properly. Learn to go more slowly, breathe more slowly, move more slowly. You can put on some relaxing music if you want and light a candle. When you lay down you visualize the God/ Goddess of intimate enlightenment and love approaching you. She may have the form of Aphrodite or Eros, Laksmi or Jesus or any other enlightened master that is closely related to you. She/he will come slowly towards you, as a lover that wants to smell a flower. Welcome Her/Him into your soul and tell her/him that you are ready and willing to surrender to the Divine.

She/He starts to kiss all your chakras awake, starting with the lowest ones. She/He will kiss also those places in your body that you can’t reach yourself or places that needs nourishment and enlightenment. Make it a sensual affair, as a long and elaborate lovemaking, in which you are the one being kissed awake. You are passive, while you let the God/Goddess enter, explore and kiss your body. She can kiss with her tongue, but also with the touch of her breasts or yoni, as well as the God can kiss awake the chakras using his fingers, his lips, his hips or his lingam of light. Every touch is divine and will lighten up some hidden or dark part inside your body/soul. Make it a most enjoyable, exquisite experience and surrender completely to the touch of the divine. Some unexpected images may surface in your mind, which you can just allow to happen. Know that you are protected and safe during this experience.

The seven chakras are the root chakra, between the anus and genitals, the navel chakra, the solar plexus chakra, the heart chakra, the throat chakra, the third eye between the two parts of the brain and the crown chakra on the top of the skull. 

The imagery of this exercise is described by Ramakrishna, one of the great sages of India and author of The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna.

O Kali, my Mother full of Bliss! Enchantress of the almighty Shiva!

In Thy delirious joy Thou dancest, clapping Thy hands together!

Thou art the Mover of all that move, and we are but Thy helpless toys

Ramakrishna Paramhansa

58. Avoiding suffering

Sexual pleasure is one of the most delicious gifts, but it is important to avoid suffering. Suffering from heart-pain and sexual hurt can be severe and needs a long time to heal. Sexual freedom and liberation doesn’t come without responsibility.

In order to avoid suffering - both of oneself and of the partner - one needs to have the right attitude, right partner, right speech, right thoughts, right time, right space, right action.

The right attitude is one of devotion, not of emotional dependency or physical release. It is a giving, not a getting.

The right partner is your own partner, with whom you share a committed relationship. Taking someone else’s partner, or having sex outside a committed relationship creates suffering. Even thinking of someone else’s partner creates suffering in a very subtle way. Learn to control your mind and direct it towards the divine instead.

The right speech is one of caring, enjoying and appreciating. Don’t discuss problems, daily affairs or other people - friends, family, (ex)lovers-. They might be important, but not within the context of lovemaking.

The right thought is one of beauty, wisdom and compassion. Thought can be directed. Become a master over your thoughts. Dispel thoughts that are pulling you or your partner down, instead create thoughts that lift you and your partner up.

The right time is the time of abundance. There should not be a hurry or time-limit in order to gain a sense of timelessness

The right space is a holy space. Create a temple to enjoy the love-making.

The right action is one of moderation, spontaneity and freedom. Don’t indulge in over-eating; to have sex too often. Be moderate, yet find abundance, ecstasy and eternity within the given boundaries.

Don’t indulge in perversities of the mind or indulge in emotions. Be clear and focused.

The seven emotions that create suffering are: jealousy, anger, sadness, fear, arrogance, laziness and hatred. When you feel these emotions coming up, acknowledge them and let them go. They are not bad or to be pushed away, but to be deeply honored as doorways to a deeper understanding of the Self. They are the keys to the divine, if you are willing to let them dissolve in the eternal mind. Offer them to the goddess and she will grant you a gift which will nourish you from her abundance. In this way the negative emotion will be transformed and turned to the light.

59. Male-female

There are two opposing forces in tantric sex: the male force and the female force. The male force is penetrating, discriminating and limiting. It creates boundaries and strives for right action, right partner, right attitude and so on.

The female force is receptive, inclusive and limitless. It creates space for the creation of love, joy, healing, surrender and flow.

The male aspect discriminates between right and wrong action, between right and wrong attitude, between right and wrong partner. The male aspect creates order. The female aspect includes all actions, all attitudes and all choices. It doesn’t discriminate between right and wrong, but sees everything as divine manifestation. The female aspect creates chaos.

Both the male and female aspects are needed to develop a healthy sexual life. When there is too much attention on the male force one gets rigid and aggressive or suppressive. When there is too much focus on the female force, things get out of hand; there is no order anymore and the forces of chaos can create emotional drama, mental perversions and physical bestialities.

60. Human love vs. divine love

The difference between human love and divine love is that human love is based on wanting, needing and sometimes demanding. Divine love is based on giving, devotion and embracing. But in order to be able to give and devote oneself to the partner, one needs to know ones own needs and wants and surrender them to the divine. This surrendering is the key to transform ones love into a divine gift. Surrender your needs and you will be given. Surrender your demands and you will be served. Surrender your desires and you will enjoy abundance.

61. Karma

Karma is the law of cause and effect. Everything we do causes ripples in the pond of the future. Everything we have done in this or previous lives have an effect on the present moment. This is not a matter of guilt or getting even, as we tend to think, but a simple matter of cause and effect. We need to understand the implications of what we create and learn from our actions. It is the way the universe gives us feedback by showing us the other side. In other words, everything we do to someone else will come back to us. In this way we can experience both sides of our actions. This is why it is said: ‘Don’t do to others what you dislike yourself.’

In sexual interplay this is true as well. The Kama Sutra stresses the point of sambogha and ahimsa. Sambogha means sexual intercourse but on a basis of equality and a joyous harmony between the partners. Any pressure, manipulation or inequality between the partners leads to an ending of the loveplay.

Instead each act of love, joy and eroticism needs to be met by the other on a free basis so the play of love can continue and deepen.

Ahimsa is the principle of non-harming. One should not harm the other as well as avoid the other to harm you. Each hurt creates a imbalance and thus an act of Karma, which will come back in its reversed way. Helping the other not to harm you is a way to avoid being a victim, but also helping the other not to create negative karma.

62. The Body

The body is a highly complex organism. Don’t treat it as a car or as a machine. It is a temple. Keep it fresh and clean and do a regular prayer to give it beauty and love. Don’t order your body around. Listen to it and honor its needs. Accept its rhythm of sleeping, eating, resting, making love, moving or dancing. Give it protection and safety. Don’t let it be abused by others, neither in a physical, mental or emotional way. To make love the body needs to be flexible and open to receive the other person. The body is like an instrument; the better you learn to play with it, the more beautiful the music that comes out. In the loveplay the music becomes like a duet, and when you devote the loveplay to the divine it even starts to sound like an orchestra.

63. Step by step

A healthy sex life is a combination of physical strength and beauty, emotional integrity and love, mental clarity and spiritual surrender that creates the harmony between two lovers. When one of these things is out of tune, you have to look at it and work on it, so it becomes more translucent and harmonious. This sounds like an everlasting job to be done, but it is not so much the outcome as well as the intention that counts. The road towards the end is part of the loveplay. Don’t hurry along the road, but don’t waver either. Don’t get lost in sidetracks, thinking spiritual liberation will come some other time or other life. This is the moment. Each little step counts. Each attention you give to that highly evolved being that you are is valuable. Each kiss given with devotion, each caress and each sign of adoration is a divine gift that changes the universe. Don’t underestimate the power of love. It is there to be used, to be explored, to be cherished. Never think it is not for you to be enjoyed. Don’t invent reasons why you shouldn’t walk on the path of love. Don’t look up to it, neither look down on it, as if it is below your intellectual or spiritual level. Honor it as the most precious diamond that will give you never-ending riches and abundance. Even when it hurts, it might give you jewels, if you don’t throw the present away that is wrapped in your sorrow, your pain or your loneliness.

Go step by step and the road will show itself to you.

64 Calling the Goddess

In India, Gods and Goddesses are personifications of certain archetypal energies in life. The Gods and Goddesses are worshipped to come in contact with those energies and to make a connection between the divine and the human plane. As above, so below. One of these Goddesses is Lalita, the playful Goddess. Actually she is worshipped as the great Goddess, the one who encompasses the whole of existence. She can be worshipped by many names and by many ways, but as she is a feminine God, she can also be worshipped by the devotion to a woman. Just as any man is the created in the image of God, so any woman is the personification of the Goddess.

In India there is a tradition to call on the great Goddess by reciting her thousand names. It invokes her essence to come into our life. Because thousand names would make this book excessively long, I’ve opted for the short western way: I’ve picked a selection of 64 names which represent the Goddess in most of her aspects. Just by reading out loud these lines you will get a feeling of the magnitude of Lalita, the playful Goddess, and the positive influence she can have. While you read you may notice certain reactions in your body and soul.

64 names of Lalita

Honor to Her who is the Mistress of the whole universe.

Honor to Her who is Supreme Bliss.

Honor to Her who is a treasure house of Divine beauty.

Honor to Her the look of whose eyes is full of grace.

Honor to Her who came out of the fire of pure consciousness.

Honor to Her who has the universe in her womb.

Honor to the Divine mother, who is the mother of all.

Honor to Her who is the playful; Her play being the creation, the sustention and the dissolution of the universe.

Honor to Her whose face is lit with a gentle smile.

Honor to Her who bestows the fourfold values of life: integrity, wealth, pleasure and liberation.

Honor to Her who is the Infinite without any limitation.

Honor to Her who is as fine and firm as the fiber of a lotus stalk.

Honor to Her who has the orbs of the sun and the moon as Her pair of ear pendants.

Honor to Her whose eyes are like lotus petals.

Honor to Her who is ever youthful.

Honor to Her who is love in women.

Honor to Her who is the consort of Shiva.

Honor to Her whose form is subtle.

Honor to Her whose immense joy consists in union with Shiva.

Honor to Her who is ever with Her consort.

Honor to Her who is the embodiment of all Tantras.

Honor to Her who is herself the greatest Tantra.

Honor to Her who embodies the sixty four forms of fine arts.

Honor to Her who is the bestower of happiness.

Honor to Her who is eternally free.

Honor to Her who is ever awake consciousness.

Honor to Her who is without pride.

Honor to Her who dispels all illusions.

Honor to Her who destroys the tendency to get angry.

Honor to Her who puts an end to all sorrow.

Honor to Her who is deeply compassionate.

Honor to Her who transcends both good and evil.

Honor to Her whose commands the Vedas are.

Honor to Her who resides in the rootchakra as the Kundalini power.

Honor to Her who dwells in the heart and thereby gives highest satisfaction.

Honor to Her who has nothing to reject nor to seek.

Honor to Her who is charming.

Honor to Her who is all that is feminine.

Honor to Her who is the body of all beings.

Honor to Her who protects both the soul and the body.

Honor to Her who releases the ignorant from their bond of ignorance.

Honor to Her who is both Knowledge and Ignorance.

Honor to Her who is beyond the ranch of mind and speech.

Honor to Her who cures all ills.

Honor to Her who is attained through true devotion.

Honor to Her who loves to have offerings of honey.

Honor to Her who loves to have offerings of all kinds of food.

Honor to Her who is difficult to attain.

Honor to Her who is hard to worship by those having no control over the senses.

Honor to Her whose worship is easy for those whose metal gaze in turned inward.

Honor to Her whose worship is difficult for those whose mental gaze goes outwards.

Honor to Her who can be approached through meditation.

Honor to Her who is fond of music.

Honor to Her who delights in the language of poetry.

Honor to Her who is pleased with a litany of Her names.

Honor to Her who is realized through devoted meditation.

Honor to Her who is the bliss realized through Yoga.

Honor to Her whose form is denoted by the letters of our language.

Honor to Her who is the essence of all the Vedas (sacred Indian texts).

Honor to Her who is righteous.

Honor to Her who is the great Devourer.

Honor to Her who is like a lotus in bloom.

Honor to Her who is eternal.

Honor to Her who is the All.

 

A story: the monk and the tigress

Once upon a time a young monk sat at the feet of his guru and asked him: “Dear Master, I want to conquer my lust. I am so troubled by it. How can I get rid of it?”

“Aaah, dear son,” the master replied. “This is not so easy, what you ask. Many disciples have tried and failed. It is the most dangerous undertaking. Are you sure you want to conquer your lust?”

“Oh, please, dear master, tell me. There is nothing else I want. Otherwise I will never be fulfilled and I long to become like you. I want to be peaceful and not be tormented by lustful thoughts.”

“If you persist I will tell you what to do. But be aware; you might not survive the challenge.”

“I am willing to die, if needed,” the young pupil replied.

“Then so be it,” the master said. “You have to go into the woods behind the mountains. There are tigers living there. You have to catch a tooth of a tigress, which are the most fierce of all. They can slay you with one bite. This is the way to conquer your lust.”

The boy understood he was in trouble. There was no escape. Either he was going to conquer his lust, or he would wander around the rest of his life being troubled by his lustful desires.

Although he was afraid he would die, he gathered all the courage he had and left the next morning for the mountains. The further he came the more afraid he was. When he passed over the mountains he couldn’t even think anymore about how to get the tooth, since fear had gotten him completely. I’ll never make it, the boy thought. I should have stayed in the monastery and settled for a less difficult task. This is too dangerous. When he arrived in the woods he saw the footprints of numerous tigers. ‘This is the end of it.’

When he advanced he suddenly saw a huge tigress coming out of the bushes. ‘There is my meal of the day,’ the tigress thought. ‘Another of these stupid young monks trying to get me. How can they be so silly to think they can conquer me?’ But as soon as the young monk saw the tigress, he burst out laughing, and couldn’t stop. He laughed and laughed because he knew there was no way he could ever win, but death didn’t scare him anymore. The boy knew he and the tigress were part of the same game that would never end. There was no difference between living or dying anymore.

The tigress was stupefied. ‘What is this young boy laughing about, if he knows he is going to die?” she thought. She became more and more curious and slowly approached him. She started growling and showed her teeth, but the more she threatened him, the more the boy had to laugh. She tried everything to scare him, but without result. At one point the tigress gave up. She put her head in the lap of the monk and fell asleep. The monk caressed the tigress, and now and then she growled.

A few weeks passed and on a sunny day the young monk came walking back to the monastery with the tigress by his side. He went to his guru and sat before him, next to his tigress.

“I brought you the tooth of the tigress,” he said, and he put his hand in the mouth of the animal. “Very well,” the guru said. “You’ve passed the test.”

 

 

Comments

[Geplaatst door: Lissa]

Hi,

I'm doing a master's level research on candamaharoshan tantra, do you have anything to share?

Thanks
Lissa
(a Nepali- French who lives in India)

[Geplaatst door: Dayan Arias]

PLEASE Send me info on how to purchase the book.